What to look for in a camera

Q) What kind of camera would you buy if you were to use it to take pictures of clouds only?



A) A camera with high Megha pixels.

to show some movement....

Suggested new name for this blog-
The Annals Of Fart
(courtesy Ayush Singh Choure)


Q. What is the name of the IT division of Apple Computers?
A. Its called iIT.

Battle sin

From http://bash.org/?top2 -
<@Terror> "It's easy to forget what a sin is in the middle of a battlefield."
<@cky> opposite over hypotenuse

Mind-blowing! :-)

For Bovine Freedom!

Did you know that the process of dying and coming back to life as a cow is known as reincownation?

Support the Free Bovine Foundation!

Nuclear Weapons

Q) Why is the use of nuclear weapons better than any other means of losing weight?


A) Because they are weapons of 'mass' destruction.

Trigonometry Joke

Courtesy Jose

Q) If a person sits on a cot, why will he get a sunburn?


A) Because, if a person is sitting on cot, he will be one upon cot and hence is tan.

(one upon cot = 1 / cot = tan)

I phone?

(by Jose)

When the iPhone launches in India, why will they never tie up with Hutch?

.. because then it'll be mixing Apples with Orange.

:-/

The Chicken and Egg problem

So this philosopher was contemplating the ever-unanswered problem of "Which came first - the chicken or the egg?" when he walks into SP (the new one which will open soon :P). What does he order?


(Ans) He orders a chicken and an egg to see which comes first :P (Hightlight as usual)

Escape

The police were chasing after this gang who just robbed a bank - Hot Pursuit Style. Helicopters swirling all over, TV crews covering the chase, etc. In short, no chance of escape from the cops.

Inside the car, the robbers go "Hey man, get out the weed!"

And then they smoked up. And they escaped jail. Why?


(Ans) Oh comon it's easy - Everybody knows that Marijuana is a getaway drug! :P

DCH

Q) If Farhan Akhtar had made a movie starring Aamir Khan, Akshaye Khanna and Saif Ali Khan about a slapping heart, what would he call it?


A) Dil chata hain

share ware

Q: Why do people in the indian stock markets often go crazy and do random trading?
A: Blame it on the BSE
Clearly, not many would understand. This should hopefully help :P

Lord of the Rings

Courtesy Jose.

Why should you let the phone ring exactly 9 times?


(Ans) ... because 9 rings for mortal men :-/

anti-semantics

q) how many kinds of jews are there in the world?
a) 2... the bad jews and the gu-jjus

courtesy Panda. (not the asexual cute one....the other panda)

Changli's revenge

For a brief background on the 'joke', see this.



Characters copied from here.

army jokes

Q) If Konkona Sen and Salman Butt were to go on a war with each other, what would they call their armies?

A) Konkona Sena and Salman Buttalion.

P.S: The same holds true if Konkona Sen and Vinod Bollini were to go on war.

namkeen (courtesy chitra)

Q) Namkeen Peanut was in love with Moongphalli, The police constable saw them together and arrested Peanut. Why?

A) He was as-salting her.

Prez's Pillow

Q. Prez APJ Abdul Kalam is in the habit of remembering and speaking his pillow's name every now and then. Why?

A. After all its his Takiya-kalam

Jail ki sazaa - Chai piyo

Q: There's this prison where prisoners are tortured and treated badly and made to work out in the sun. And then when they're thirsty, they're not even given cold water :( . What is this prison's name?
A: Sazaa-E-Sadapaani

Q: If it snows in Assam, what will one get if he sits under a tree?
A: Iced Tea

(Both courtesy Ankur Kulkarni and Shankaran)

Chipko movement

Q: What would you call a pervert tree hugger?
A: 'Ped'-ophile
(inspired by a tree outside H9 - no reason, just generally ...)

Stoner humour

A quick prelude:

(from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stone_%28weight%29) "... The stone is a unit of weight and mass. It is part of the Imperial system of weights and measures used in the British Isles, and formerly used in most Commonwealth countries. It is equal to 14 pounds avoirdupois...."

Imagine a Quality Control procedure for weighing balances whereby each balance is tested with a 'unit' stone, a stone weighing exactly one stone. This unit stone would be loaded onto the balance and balanced against a counterweight or set of counterweights weighing a stone totally. Now,

Q) Why might this procedure fail for balances made of ferromagnetic materials?

A) Because the 'unit' stone being used would be loaded onto the balance, making it a load stone (lodestone).

Hahahahaha! Can you beat that? Can you find a daya-er joke than this?

With Twos and Threes

Here's a sample drop from Sagar's vast ocean of bad jokes:

If all 2s are 3, then what is 3 * 3?

It is 37.

3 * 3 = 3 ^ 2 (Three square)
= 3 ^ 3 (Three cube, since 2s are 3)
= 27
= 37 (Since 2s are 3s)

So, (Ans) 37.

The rising concern in society over plummeting quality standards in recent humour

Q: What do you call gay rock-climbers?

A: Brokeback Mountaineers (the highlighting bit got too painful).

In The Mess...

Everybody knows that a cockroach is bad enough. But what's worse than a cockroach?

A cockroach that writes poetry. Because it's verse.

And what's even more disgusting than a cockroach that writes poetry?

One that writes poetry in lines of 2 and 4. Because that's even verse!

:)

Guest Gust Two

via Meghana Kshirsagar

X ek mill worker tha aur uski wife was a housewife...
ek din X ne mill jaana chod diya aur ghar baith gaya..
bechari wife ko ghar chalane ka tension aa gaya
wife ne dahi jamake bechne ka kaam shuru kiya aur ghar chalane lagi..
Is baat pe X ke doston ne X ka bahut mazhak udaya , to X ne apni wife ko
dahi jamake bechne se mana kar diya...
so what do you think the wife said??

agar tum "mil" jaao "jamana" chod denge hum

Guest Gust One

From Srinath Perur:

....No. 5, 1948, is an abstract painting that was sold in November 2006, for a record price of $140 million!! The painter, Jackson Pollock, was one of the most influential painters of the abstract expressionist movement. His unique style of painting consisted of fixing a canvas on a wall or on the floor, and then dripping or splashing paint on it. This style of painting is referred to as Action Art. His Kerala theme paintings are called Colorippayattu.

Jose's English Wedding

Once a British Monarch decided to have a Swayamvar for his daughter. However, this lady wasn't too bright. So, she insisted that she marry someone less bright than her, for she didn't want to hear any "I'm smarter than you" nonsense.

The king agreed, and the news was announced. Six brave knights were arrived and the king decreed, "Go out in the world and do stuff. The one who does the stupidest 'stuff' wins."

The competition was set. The knights, A B C D E and F set out to do dumb things. However there was a clear winner - one managed to outdo the others by a *huge* margin. Who?

(Ans) The winner was D, for he was "Sir Dee"! [Highlight]

Product placement

Q: If Kray became a model for a drink, which one would it be?

A: Red Bull (because 'Red Bull gives you wings!')

PS- Ask Kray for the funda if you don't already know :D

BANs

What do u call the ban imposed by IITB authorities on the gardens in campus?


BaghBan

Pets

Q: If Paki got a pet pup, what would it's name be?

A: Puppy Lahiri (highlight for the answer, as usual)

shreik

(Inspired by a Tantra T-shirt)
Q: What is another name for a laxative?
A: Download Accelerator

(Inspired by Shrek- The movie)
Q: If, inspired by rich snooty people like Dimple Kapadia, Shrek decides to start a candle making industry using earwax. What will his tagline be to appeal to his supplier base?
A: Ladies and Gentlemen, Lend me you ears ...

Vikings!!!

Which type of body armour did ancient Norwegians wear?

(Hint: They named their heaven after this!...)


Ans: Ass-guard :-/ (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asgard)

Fattening Rich

Q. When u say bye to weight gained by jam, u become big industrialist. How?

A. Jam-Shed(ji) Ta-ta

Senti Stuff

Dear posters of this blog, I have known many of you and have also been a good friend. However, I have realized that I can never be a near one. For I am a fartoo.

Ravana problems

Q: Ravan is ashamed because he has done a lot of bad things. So he goes to Ram's house to apologise. Ram opens the door, but Ravan doesn't say anything.. why?
A: 'Kis mooh se sorry bolu?'

Banana reloaded

Q) If this world is a carnival for of women, why am I eating my heart when I am eating a banana?

A) Duniya Haseeno ka mela, mele main yeh dil a kela. You eat kela, you eat dil.

Mango season

We were influenced by this.

Shrini: why isnt manga coming :(

Shashi: manga mango
then it'll come
sorry
bad one

Shrini: mango to mango mango
man go to maaaango aam :D

Shashi: haq so mango
inzamam acha aadmi hain
:D

Shrini: mango to mango mango
inzamaam aam aadmi hai

Shashi: :)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Shrini: post this in dayaa

Shashi: i shall!

Shrini: oh man
i have tears in my eyes

Shashi: i am laughing hysterically
the guy next to me has given up

Gujju Rule-Rs

Q. If the gujju Shahs (like sagar shah) turn cynical, and start doing all mean things and all, why do they rule huge lands suddenly?

A. They become BAD-SHAHs


Corollary: Why is the world appalled by the Shaws (eg. DE Shaw; kiran mazumdar SHAW) who turn cynical and start doing mean things and all?
Coz they become BAD-Shaw or Shaw-king

Perspective joke

Q) If someone is in the mood to make banana milkshake he/she will be fooled into believing that the banana milkshake is a banana. Why?

A) When he/she is in the mood to make banana milkshake, he/she will be thinking, "banana milkshake banana hain".

Inspired from the World Cup...

Why do Brazilians eat South-Indian food?

'Coz they like to samba(r)!

:D

~ SD

Average joke

Q) 60 and 70 were inseparable as best buddies before 80 came along. 70 then became very arrogant, rude and sarcastic. Why?

A) After 80 came along, 70 became mean.

Dracula Joke

Q) Had Dracula been born into a Tamil family, what would he have been called?

A) Vamp Iyer

Police 4ce

Q) If Mahendra Singh Dhoni was in the police force, which division would he be in?

A) Forensics (Four & Six)

All hail Scrabbler.

Cheap puns

Did you hear the one about the movie on premature ejaculation?

Apparently it came too soon to the theatre near you

Potato joke

There was once a potato that went to God and cribbed.

"Dear God, we lead nonexistent lives. These humans, they peel us, boil us, mash us, cut us, fry us, saute us, and finally eat us. Sometimes, our skins are also not spared and they also get eaten. Oh God, please help us in making our lives better."

God answers, "Yummy!".

Note: Joke credited to this woman who recounted to us the time when her History teacher, Mrs. Thyagarajan told them the above joke in school. Nostalgia for all those who were in Cathedral, Mumbai.

P.S: The joke sounded 'funny' when it was told as Ateya has a nice way of telling jokes. Let me see if I can someone to record it when she gets nostalgic again.

doctrine

Q: What's another word for a bitch?
A: Dog-ma

Statutory Warning: Not-so-cunning use of expletives here!

Q: What do you call Indian Groupies?

A: Band-chods.


Q: Why are Bawas so good at writing compilers?

A: Because Parsis are good at Parsing.

ADVERT: Watch Monty Python

I think I've already told everyone this, but still...

If you have a cousin, and she sleeps a lot, then why would you wipe your hands on her?

See... it's simple: Your cousin is a kin. And a lot of sleep ==> Naps. Thus she's a napkin. So...

(please don't kill me...)

:)

Q) What do you call an evolving computer language?

A) The Darwin C code.....

Submitted with lots of pyaar by lakesidey.

Yossarian's Tentmate

Moriarty was on the run, with Sherlock on his trail. Moriarty landed in Mumbai, fled to Chennai, then to Hyderabad, Delhi, Lucknow, Patna, Kolkata, Dhanbad, and finally, Bhubaneshwar, where Sherlock lost his trail. During his investigations in Bhubaneshwar, Sherlock asked a taxi-driver, the number of his car. When the taxi-driver told him the number, Sherlock questioned- "What is the other number?" -end of fart.

two bad

Q: If a girl and a guy start sleeping together, what relationship do they have?
A: yawn sambandh.

Q: Whats worse than a bull charging at you?
A: a bull discharging at you.

Random polyticks jokes

Given the choice between blood and pussy, what would an average American choose?

And now you know how Bush beat Gore.

A certain scrabbler came up with this.

Onion.

What is the opposite of achar?

Onion.

Achar= Pickle
Pickle= Pee Kal
Pee Kal X Pee Aaj
PeeAaj= Onion.

Therefore, Achar X Onion.

Shashi ke sau rang...

Old old pic... makes it even more priceless. Check out the eyebrows :P

of Animes and IIT

Q. Why do saand's in IITB seem to be excited these days?

A. Because they overheard some TechFest people talking of "Saand Animation"


Brickbats towards Onkar Dalal!

Q) What process is said to be taking place when two fossils start seeing each other?

A) Carbon dating


All brickbats to be directed towards Vikrant Kulkarni.

SP

Q. When u call SP and order chicken biryani..what do u get?
Ans. Chicken Biryani Boneless

Q. When u DON'T call SP and order chicken biryani..what do u get?
Ans. Chicken Biryani Phoneless!

It's all about loving everyone

Q) If a Bollywood movie were to be made on Vishnoi's wife cheating on him, what would it be called ?

A) Kabhi Bushy Kabhi Hum

OS Game

Q. Which computer operating system is anti Windows?

A. Windows NT

Krezi Kids

What would someone well prepared for a MA203 exam sing?

Krezi(g) kiya re.

Hot blood

Q) Why do women find it easier to use mosquito repellents?

A) The Good Knight easily gets turned on by the women.